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Friday, May 26th, 2006
2:47 pm
sick of it all
Cut It Open
Thursday, May 4th, 2006
2:06 pm
UGH, I cried for about a half hour today before work and finally forced myself to stop. I don't know what to do I feel like I've exhausted all my options, what ever happened to the easy way out? I'm such a coward.
Cut It Open
Tuesday, April 11th, 2006
10:52 am
and then a bolt of lightening hit, and just like that time froze for just an instant. I haven't felt this way... ever.

current mood: anxious
Cut It Open
Sunday, December 25th, 2005
8:44 am - sosickofit
a bad christmas eve lead the way to an even worse christmas.

.it hasn't even really begun yet.

current mood: lonely/annoyed
Cut It Open
Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
3:30 pm
they say life gets easier, they say try and see past the hard parts. How long does it take? this is never going to get easier.

when the sweetest thing in life seems like death. it's times like this I miss you, times like this I need you to be here to listen to me cry, to hold me tight and whisper in my ear "everything is going to be alright".

I look around the air is colder now, the trees have all died I look around at this cold dead town and see a reflection of me. It all coming undone now, everything I've worked so hard for everything I've tried to bury. This cold winter has cracked the ground and let my secrets all seep out.

winter bury me
Cut It Open
Friday, November 25th, 2005
1:22 pm
im gonna win the powerball.
Cut It Open
Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005
10:17 pm - I cant close my eyes and make this go away
It seems like this pain will never stop.

You've been gone 17 months now, but it still seems new, still so fresh, and foreign to me.
So much has changed, or maybe I'm the only thing thats changed. I cant decide.
I think of you and suddenly I can't help but fall apart.
It's so hard to remember when it's breaking my heart.

I'm still looking for something I can't describe. Something to makes us all feel better about this; how do you find something that doesn't exist?
I'm trying to find a way to make everything ok, nothing will ever be ok. I just want to breathe again.
Trying so hard to find some release.

You were my family, you were the only one who could ever understand.
And now I turn to no one.
You died and took a part of me with you, so this is whats it's like to be alone?

I want to be angry. I want to lash out.
The guilt over powers anger every time. I have no right to pose questions from anger.
Does this make me a horrible person, a horrible friend?
There's too many questions, there are no answers.

My thoughts are racing so much faster than my heart can handle.
I still think about the "if only", and the "what ifs"
I can't help but feel it, it's uncontrollable.
You were there for me when no one else was, why couldn't I return the favor?
I know you needed someone too. "If only..."
But all these regrets just won't push aside no matter how much I try.
They race through my thoughts all the time, I'll cry until I'm sick.
And still nothing, because I can't close my eyes and make this go away.
Cut It Open
Thursday, October 27th, 2005
4:59 pm - just let me catch my breath
surrounded by familiar faces
no one says a word
you breathe in the smell of sick
he walks by and everyones heart stops
the lights overhead are blinding
brochures of how to deal line the walls
nothing could prepare us for what we saw

you didnt want anyone to know
dirty little secret
now the only one in the dark is you

And was this worth it
you wont remember anyways
in a week where will this be

you told me were going to get better.

please just be okay
just get better

current mood: drained
Cut It Open
Monday, October 10th, 2005
4:45 pm
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

I miss you more than you will ever know. It snowed today, you're in the air.

current mood: crushed
Cut It Open
3:10 pm
funny how when you just stop trying things suddenly seem to fall right into place.

current mood: drained
2 Stitchs| Cut It Open
Thursday, September 29th, 2005
10:16 pm
to care about someone more than anything in the world and to know they don't feel one ounce of what you feel

Cut It Open
Wednesday, September 28th, 2005
10:28 am
This move has marked time, so much has happened in this last month it seems like years compacted into a 30 day time frame. So much has changed around me, have I changed to? I can't even remember what I was doing this time last year, the year before... it's been so long since I've felt anything. At the end of October I would fall in love, by my birthday I would have a broken heart,no home, and a buisquic cake missing one bite.

Do i always want what I don't have? Once I have it can I go back if I change my mind?

so much has changed, i know ive changed too

has this all been worth it?

current mood: lethargic
1 Stitch| Cut It Open
Saturday, August 27th, 2005
10:16 am - how could you throw this all away
"I could have sworn I saw you guys kissing"
...it was someone else

I've never felt this broken, I thought this would be fine but by the empty feeling inside my stomach and the gashes in my throat I'm second guessing.

.You broke me.

current mood: heart broken
1 Stitch| Cut It Open
Tuesday, May 31st, 2005
4:53 pm - kill me with the candle stick in the study
Haven't updated in a long time probably because I fell off the planet and made it so I could isolate myself from any judgment or feeling of... well any feelings what-so-ever. But I'm slowly emerging from my long hibernation. I've been out of town this past month, went to Montrose to visit my aunt; happy birthday Jason, wish you were here. Then Vance and I went to Florida to "visit" my mom. Our visit turned into a nightmare and soon the purpose of our trip was to be the driver for my mom. Within 45 minutes she had made up her mind to come back to Colorado, quit her job at the newspaper, and throw what little she had into the back of my car; all so she could come "take care of me" "make my life a little easier". So now once again my mom is here and I'm wondering who is taking care of who? I seem to drop my priorities off when I'm so occupied with making sure she's happy all the time. What am I doing? I'm trying to balance everyone's feeling out, while still trying to fit in time to breath. My entire family shut me out when they found out she came back, my brother is the only one who can still talk to me without trying to bash my mom at the same time, and I think it's only because he always beats me at CLUE.
I'm trying to get back to some sort of normal. It's harder than I thought it would be. I miss everyone, I really let a lot of important people slip away from my life, or maybe they were smart and ran away on their own at full speed.
... I never wanted to regret one single thing, but now I'm having second thoughts...

current mood: nostalgic
3 Stitchs| Cut It Open
Saturday, August 14th, 2004
10:35 am - closing time...
I'm finally home from a week of baby sitting, chauffeuring, and catering to other peoples ideas. I'm finally home. I've never been so glad to walk through that door.

The past week I have:
drove my mom to the hospital
cried in a grocery store
been called fat and ugly by my 70 year old korean grandmother
spent more money then I've made
made a 10 year old cry
told a lie I can never take back
missed someone whos never coming back
listened to my family tell me how I don't fit their suburbanite mold of perfection
been pulled back forth between differing ideas
registered for school
been tempted
reflected on my past, something I can't quite seem to shake since no one else can seem to let it go
opened up to someone for the first time
dropped korea off at the airport, she left swearing to never come back
saw an old friend
made a thousand realizations about a thousand different things

I'm over it.

current mood: discontent
1 Stitch| Cut It Open
Thursday, August 5th, 2004
5:50 pm - it's getting tired and old
Things are different now.

I've never been in love, like a real love the kind that takes your breath away, and holds the earth in place, the love you wake up for each morning, the love that could make you die of a broken heart, I've never been in such a love until now.

Brandi is moving in today, it's been pretty crazy but things will start to fall into place soon, hopefully.

My car would not start today. I just got it out of the shop less than a week ago, I'm pretty pissed about this situation but trying not to focus on it. I guess I can kiss it goodbye and send it off to the mechanic from hell once more.

Today a kid named Adam told me, he, was sad because a cat was mad at him. I asked him why he thought this and he replied "well we were having a really good conversation and then I must have said something that offended him because he ran away quite quickly." I felt bad for him he's really lonely, people are scared of him because he's different, not bad, just different.

current mood: apathetic
Cut It Open
Monday, July 19th, 2004
12:58 pm - Nothing satisfies
Tommy, Matthew, and Zach came over on Friday, we got shitty and rode bikes around my living room, Tommy ate shit and made everything hilarious from that point on, we gave a hott girl a mullet, and danced (pants were optional)

Saturday, well I'd rather just forget Saturday ever happened.

Sunday was my little brothers big party, I skipped it to go to guitar center with my mom, and had an awesome time, we also hit target up and it was hott shit, who else has a mom that will have a laugh their balls off after you beam her in the head with a decorative pillow?
Came home and watched Texas Chainsaw Masacre with Vance and Ross

What can I say? It was a real "bonding" kind of weekend.

Tears Turned Red (1:09:55 PM): oh man oh man when is that lesbian fest
OhhhYRGAY (1:12:02 PM): tomorrow
Tears Turned Red (1:12:10 PM): YES
Tears Turned Red (1:12:16 PM): are you so excited right now
Tears Turned Red (1:14:18 PM): Tomorrow morning your gonna wake up with the biggest boner for sarah m
OhhhYRGAY (1:14:24 PM): hahahha
OhhhYRGAY (1:14:29 PM): hahahaha
OhhhYRGAY (1:14:31 PM): EWW
OhhhYRGAY (1:14:32 PM): NO

.Janice I miss you.

current mood: apathetic
Cut It Open
1:09 am - And I can only blame myself
Why do my hopes rise with the sun; is it just to crash into the horizon each night it sets?

current mood: blank
Cut It Open
Saturday, July 10th, 2004
11:45 am - Words vs. Actions
i cant believe whats happening
i wont believe whats happening
i cant concieve whats happening

you asked me why i get so down on you.
i tell you im not angry, i tell you everything is fine.
you know im lying, you always do.

if i told you it's because i care about you to the full extent of which any human being is capable of caring for another person would you believe that? it's the only thing i can seem to come up with, and in comparison it would seem as if you could give a shit less.
but i don't, i wont say a word to let you know how i really feel, is this my biggest mistake?

i wont let petty things like love and communication get in the way of my actions any longer, i'll numb myself to feel nothing for you.

i should have left you nothing
and the world has turned to stone

love you when we say forever
love you when we come together
i cant stand to stay forever
so i love you when we come together

you said "i love you", you walked out the door.

current mood: restless
4 Stitchs| Cut It Open
Wednesday, July 7th, 2004
11:56 pm - heres to falling apart
.how it must feel to watch the world slowly fall out from under you. alone.

so much about to slip off the tip of my tounge, but I'll swallow the truths, I'll bury it deep inside next to the past; trust is lost.

current mood: scared
4 Stitchs| Cut It Open
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